Friday, 27 August 2010
Saturday, 7 August 2010
Some more outrage
A few days ago Corin read a status from this page to me and it's been troubling me ever since. It reads:
This was sent to me today. Pretty Cool!
"
My ass.
You have not been a woman.
That's impossible.
You have a bitchin mustasche and you could probably beat a wild
animal to death with your
bare hands.
You look like you could star as a villian in a Die Hard film.
You look like you could demolish a house by headbutting it.
You simply look to convincing to have ever been a woman."
Obviously I have several issues with this. For one thing, 'been a woman' is really problematic terminology - I recognise that this is the terminology of the person writing to Buck, but it is also terminology he tacitly supports by publishing it without criticism. The following account leads me as a reader to believe that both Buck's fan and Buck himself believe women to be inherently inferior to men, and this makes me fucking angry.
According to this quote, it is 'impossible' for women to have facial hair or, at least, facial hair that is so socially acceptable as to be 'bitchin'. Similarly, a woman could not possibly 'beat a wild animal to death'; she could not star as a Die Hard villain; she couldn't have the strength to 'demolish a house by headbutting it'. And, by she, I mean we. We, as women, are weaklings and failures. We can't impress people with our plumage (possibly because, since most women feel under pressure to present themselves in a way that indicates great care has been taken over their appearance, it just isn't special when our hair - non-facial, non-armpit, non-pubic - looks good. It's meant to look that way). We can't take on wild animals - we simply don't have the necessary testosterone levels. We are worse than ordinary - we are substandard because, in the grand competition to be entertaining that apparently is life, we barely have half the physical resources of people signified as male, or 'appropriately' masculine. We don't exist in this conversation except by omission and derision. I am not trying to say that conversations about transmasculinity ought to refer to women - sometimes women are not relevant - but, when heteromasculinity is being so revered, women become present through their silent inadequacy.
What is strength in this conversation? It is destruction, brute force, the ability to literally throw your weight around. Fuck childbirth. Fuck existing in a society that constantly undercuts you - Buck Angel has apparently made a safely-unnoticed exit from the parade of fuckery that assaults most of us who are not heteromen on a daily basis, so it's alright for him. He can become an oppressor of those less 'fortunate' (i.e. less outwardly normatively masculine) than him. I feel very self-conscious about coming across, to myself as well as others, as being transphobic in this complaint but, more importantly than that, I cannot subscribe to something that relies on the subordination of femininity to be 'successful'. Because according to this narrative I am not strong, and I do not have strength. While Buck is made a spectacle - which I do not mean to imply is okay: he is a person, not a freakshow - I am fainting somewhere in a corner, where I am either being attended to by another woman behind the scenes or ignored entirely. As is every other woman. And, essentially, it seems to be that we are being ignored because society has not awarded us the resources to throw our weight around.
This is not to say, though, that the only strengths that can be ascribed to women are separate from those ascribed to Buck (or Buck's masculinity): there are strong fucking women. There are women body builders and women wrestlers and women cage-fighters and women who pull cars with their teeth. Corin remarked, and I think this is totally feasible, that working out to the extent that you become a body builder does basically the same things to any body, be it a woman's or a man's, or male or female, or something else. Are woman-identified body builders too 'convincingly' masculine to be considered women? Are other people's gender the properties of outside critics? I find it disturbing that anyone, let alone a queer person, would endorse these ideas.
And what's 'convincing'? What exactly is being celebrated when Buck Angel is seen to pass? To me, this is not about his personal journey, or his comfort. This is about supporting a gender binary. This is about celebrating the idea that even queers can support this myth, this piece of shit idea that seems to permeate everything, that sits in so many people's heads and dictates so much about how they treat people and how they let themselves act: the idea that the genders are the (perceived) sexes and are opposite and entirely different, and that it's of the utmost importance to assert this at all times. It's fucking bullshit and I'm fucked off about it. I feel like I've probably made a lot of oversights in this blog, because there is so much about gender that I do not know, because I'm angry and when I'm angry I tend to throw rationality to the wind and often debase what I am attempting to defend by being too obtuse to understand, let alone defend, it properly. If you're reading this and you want to call me out, please do. I'd like to talk about this with someone.
Thursday, 22 July 2010
Cherry cherry boom boom
1. Lady Gaga says 'cherry cherry boom boom' in a lot of songs. I find this intriguing and kind of want to emulate it with a phrase I would find equally confusing if it weren't me singing it.
2. 'Starstruck' is one of my new favourite songs. I love the sprinkly synthy bits so much - they're so pretty <3
3. I have been fantasising a lot about getting a Gaga piano book and playing songs on my (suddenly working in my fantasies) keyboard at a Feline Groovy open mic sesh. So much?
4. I HAVE JUST FOUND OUT THAT ALISON GOLDFRAPP HAS A WOMAN PARTNER?!?! I mean, I just can't explain what that means to me. I love her. So. Much. And obviously this doesn't mean I'm "in with a chance" slash that's a really horrible way to think about people but I like to think it does. Guiltily.
5. It's been troubling me recently that I'm actually really sexist? Case in point: the other day Corin and I went to a computer cluster on campus and there was a fuck-off white van parked in the MIDDLE of the path outside the building we needed with its doors wide open so it was difficult to get through, and there were two men sat inside eating. After sidling past and getting to the cluster it became apparent that it was being refurbished and so totally wasn't open for Facebook-starved us, and as we left (and joined that day's graduation melee - GOD WHY DO THEY ALL DRESS THE SAME I NEVER WANT TO SEE A FLORAL DRESS AGAIN) I complained to Corin that a. the men had parked the car all up in our grill and b. they didn't bother telling us that the cluster was actually closed and were therefore rude, boorish and entitled scum. She asked me if I'd be saying that if they'd been women and I ashamedly looked at the floor. I mean, I relayed this to Dani just now (SHE CAME OVER IT WAS GREAT) and she was like, but, DIY women painters in vans = hawt, which I suppose is correct, but still, I am beginning to feel very guilty and heteromasculine. Which I do not want to be under any circumstances. WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME slash how much of a problem is it? Am I exaggerating? I don't even know.
2. 'Starstruck' is one of my new favourite songs. I love the sprinkly synthy bits so much - they're so pretty <3
3. I have been fantasising a lot about getting a Gaga piano book and playing songs on my (suddenly working in my fantasies) keyboard at a Feline Groovy open mic sesh. So much?
4. I HAVE JUST FOUND OUT THAT ALISON GOLDFRAPP HAS A WOMAN PARTNER?!?! I mean, I just can't explain what that means to me. I love her. So. Much. And obviously this doesn't mean I'm "in with a chance" slash that's a really horrible way to think about people but I like to think it does. Guiltily.
5. It's been troubling me recently that I'm actually really sexist? Case in point: the other day Corin and I went to a computer cluster on campus and there was a fuck-off white van parked in the MIDDLE of the path outside the building we needed with its doors wide open so it was difficult to get through, and there were two men sat inside eating. After sidling past and getting to the cluster it became apparent that it was being refurbished and so totally wasn't open for Facebook-starved us, and as we left (and joined that day's graduation melee - GOD WHY DO THEY ALL DRESS THE SAME I NEVER WANT TO SEE A FLORAL DRESS AGAIN) I complained to Corin that a. the men had parked the car all up in our grill and b. they didn't bother telling us that the cluster was actually closed and were therefore rude, boorish and entitled scum. She asked me if I'd be saying that if they'd been women and I ashamedly looked at the floor. I mean, I relayed this to Dani just now (SHE CAME OVER IT WAS GREAT) and she was like, but, DIY women painters in vans = hawt, which I suppose is correct, but still, I am beginning to feel very guilty and heteromasculine. Which I do not want to be under any circumstances. WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME slash how much of a problem is it? Am I exaggerating? I don't even know.
Wednesday, 7 July 2010
Basically a massive whinge
I just had an AWESOME TIME reading lots of blogs I haven't read in ages (Sof Jacques Faith Allie Brosh bit of Angry Greek think that's it) and it made me realise I haven't written in even longer, so HELLO. This shouldn't be very long, partly because I am recovering from a hypo and may sound a bit insane at points because of this, and partly because I get v. limited internet time these days what with not having it in my house and I am meant to be sorting out All The Bills for next year. But I can't right now because I am not fully lucid.
Basically my life recently has been mostly crap with moments of awesomeness. I moved house, and tidied and cleaned everything with only two of my housemates, and am the only person in my current house so have to do lots of things there too. I have yet to unpack hardly anything and the house is a tip because of this. I have to organise getting a first attempt resit for my Romantics exam. My mouse Annie died yesterday. Also on the same day the previous tenants cancelled Virgin so now I only have Freeview to while away my breaks with. Also I on that day I got a letter through the door asking me if I fancied a fuck and leaving a boy's name and number. I don't even know what to do about this - it's totally inappropriate and intrusive and it makes me feel really uncomfortable but it's likely that it was written by someone else so if I call the number and have a go that's like a win for the author, and even if it was written by "Tim" getting attention for it was probably the aim; since it's technically soliciting I could contact the local police but whenever I contact them (twice so far) it's always about sexual intimidation and I know this is irrational but I'm worried that if I do it for stuff that doesn't bother me as much as men following me in cars or men following right behind me up a back street with their hands in their pants then the police might start thinking I'm oversensitive and stop taking me seriously? Also, what if they could, like, be focussing on an actual rape case or something, but then I go along and am like 'I got this message which is probably a joke but I do not find it funny' and everyone's like HUMOURLESS FEMINIST and I obstruct worse things being sorted out? Not that rape really gets 'sorted out' usually but you know what I mean. Also yesterday I got a call from DEBT COLLECTORS and now I have c. 28 hours to pay a £300 bill left outstanding at our old house; Ryan and Sof can come up with their shares, I will have to contact my father for mine which is stressful but I can do it, and Tom is still on holiday (on holiday. At a time like this?! Moving time? I am cross about this and want to talk to him about it but want to do it face-to-face and can't do that until he comes back from holiday) and I tried calling his mum but have as yet had no response and argh. Debt collectors?! GOD. Then I also have to set up TV licence and internet and phone line and TV content and electricity and gas and water. And get a new mouse because they're social and it's cruel to have them by themselves unless it's necessary i.e. they are my old mouse Fran who bit the other mouse's balls off. Also I have therapy every week from which I always leave feeling better but is a lot of WORK and about which I am always apprehensive before I go in. Also I have to revise for two exams. Also I have to read as much as I can for the coming year, having done basically nothing for at least a fortnight. Also today I discovered I do not have enough money even to take a tenner out of my account.
I MEAN. I'm sorry to whine. But this is essentially my life now. Although I am obv not obliged to keep everyone up-to-date about everything. But still.
GOOD THINGS, HOWEVER: Sapphic Traffic was RAD, especially DJing fun and Sof birthday fun and seeing Faith and Ray-Ray was AWESOME, Corin is now here after only being away for a week and that's awesome and if she can get a job in Leeds she will stay for summer which would be lovely, Germany has made me interested in football?? so that's new and interesting, once my room is done it will be lovely, I like reading, I have three pretty comfy sofas in my living room, there are a few beers in the fridge for later on. There is also a lot of Friends on TV, which I appreciate, although accept that there will be less now that I have fewer channels. Julia Downes' EastEnders barbecue is coming up and that will be brilliant, I have decided. Also soon I will hopefully have money.
Basically my life recently has been mostly crap with moments of awesomeness. I moved house, and tidied and cleaned everything with only two of my housemates, and am the only person in my current house so have to do lots of things there too. I have yet to unpack hardly anything and the house is a tip because of this. I have to organise getting a first attempt resit for my Romantics exam. My mouse Annie died yesterday. Also on the same day the previous tenants cancelled Virgin so now I only have Freeview to while away my breaks with. Also I on that day I got a letter through the door asking me if I fancied a fuck and leaving a boy's name and number. I don't even know what to do about this - it's totally inappropriate and intrusive and it makes me feel really uncomfortable but it's likely that it was written by someone else so if I call the number and have a go that's like a win for the author, and even if it was written by "Tim" getting attention for it was probably the aim; since it's technically soliciting I could contact the local police but whenever I contact them (twice so far) it's always about sexual intimidation and I know this is irrational but I'm worried that if I do it for stuff that doesn't bother me as much as men following me in cars or men following right behind me up a back street with their hands in their pants then the police might start thinking I'm oversensitive and stop taking me seriously? Also, what if they could, like, be focussing on an actual rape case or something, but then I go along and am like 'I got this message which is probably a joke but I do not find it funny' and everyone's like HUMOURLESS FEMINIST and I obstruct worse things being sorted out? Not that rape really gets 'sorted out' usually but you know what I mean. Also yesterday I got a call from DEBT COLLECTORS and now I have c. 28 hours to pay a £300 bill left outstanding at our old house; Ryan and Sof can come up with their shares, I will have to contact my father for mine which is stressful but I can do it, and Tom is still on holiday (on holiday. At a time like this?! Moving time? I am cross about this and want to talk to him about it but want to do it face-to-face and can't do that until he comes back from holiday) and I tried calling his mum but have as yet had no response and argh. Debt collectors?! GOD. Then I also have to set up TV licence and internet and phone line and TV content and electricity and gas and water. And get a new mouse because they're social and it's cruel to have them by themselves unless it's necessary i.e. they are my old mouse Fran who bit the other mouse's balls off. Also I have therapy every week from which I always leave feeling better but is a lot of WORK and about which I am always apprehensive before I go in. Also I have to revise for two exams. Also I have to read as much as I can for the coming year, having done basically nothing for at least a fortnight. Also today I discovered I do not have enough money even to take a tenner out of my account.
I MEAN. I'm sorry to whine. But this is essentially my life now. Although I am obv not obliged to keep everyone up-to-date about everything. But still.
GOOD THINGS, HOWEVER: Sapphic Traffic was RAD, especially DJing fun and Sof birthday fun and seeing Faith and Ray-Ray was AWESOME, Corin is now here after only being away for a week and that's awesome and if she can get a job in Leeds she will stay for summer which would be lovely, Germany has made me interested in football?? so that's new and interesting, once my room is done it will be lovely, I like reading, I have three pretty comfy sofas in my living room, there are a few beers in the fridge for later on. There is also a lot of Friends on TV, which I appreciate, although accept that there will be less now that I have fewer channels. Julia Downes' EastEnders barbecue is coming up and that will be brilliant, I have decided. Also soon I will hopefully have money.
Thursday, 17 June 2010
*frown*
So, I recognise it's possible that I'll do a one-eighty turn and not believe a word of this at some point in the future, but I'm going to say it anyway: I'm feeling a bit uncomfortable about a couple of songs that several of my friends see as awesome lesbian icon flagships but I kind of see as ... like name-dropping, but the name is 'I might be a bit queer but not really LOL money.' Then they get money.
Obviously the first example is Rihanna's 'Te Amo.' I mean, it's a nice video, it's an alright song - but it isn't about queer affirmation: it's about getting into a misunderstanding with a queer woman (maybe leading her on?) and then being sad/gyrating about it. That isn't positivity to me. That's just kind of a mention and then a bit of objectifying/convenient examples. And it isn't balls-out saying 'LOOK AT ME KISSIN' LAYDEEZ' but there is a lot of laydee-on-laydee action (that lots of people I know like watching) but I just ... don't feel it.
Then there's Xtina's 'Not Myself Tonight.' I'm only just listening to Bionic now - I did mean to a long time ago because obv I am really excited about JD Samson and Sia and Peaches being on it, but then Lady GaGa happened and I suppose anyone reading this blog knows how that affected my every breath. ANYWAY, I actually find that song a bit boring - admittedly I have only listened to it a few times, but I'm finding it difficult to motivate myself to get to know it or really understanding why I should. And the whole 'I'm kissing all the boys and the girls' alongside 'I'm not myself tonight' feels insincere and appropriating. Like, this is fun and I'm doing it, but I'm not going to take any responsibility for it. And that just reminds me of Katy Perry. I mean, maybe this is just evidence of some normalisation of homosexuality and queerness - that it gets brought up, and maybe this is somewhere on the way to actually being represented without specifically and crucially heterosexist frames - but I don't really feel like I have time for it even if it is. I just feel like I've sat through this before.
On the plus side, though, Elastic Love is awesome.
Obviously the first example is Rihanna's 'Te Amo.' I mean, it's a nice video, it's an alright song - but it isn't about queer affirmation: it's about getting into a misunderstanding with a queer woman (maybe leading her on?) and then being sad/gyrating about it. That isn't positivity to me. That's just kind of a mention and then a bit of objectifying/convenient examples. And it isn't balls-out saying 'LOOK AT ME KISSIN' LAYDEEZ' but there is a lot of laydee-on-laydee action (that lots of people I know like watching) but I just ... don't feel it.
Then there's Xtina's 'Not Myself Tonight.' I'm only just listening to Bionic now - I did mean to a long time ago because obv I am really excited about JD Samson and Sia and Peaches being on it, but then Lady GaGa happened and I suppose anyone reading this blog knows how that affected my every breath. ANYWAY, I actually find that song a bit boring - admittedly I have only listened to it a few times, but I'm finding it difficult to motivate myself to get to know it or really understanding why I should. And the whole 'I'm kissing all the boys and the girls' alongside 'I'm not myself tonight' feels insincere and appropriating. Like, this is fun and I'm doing it, but I'm not going to take any responsibility for it. And that just reminds me of Katy Perry. I mean, maybe this is just evidence of some normalisation of homosexuality and queerness - that it gets brought up, and maybe this is somewhere on the way to actually being represented without specifically and crucially heterosexist frames - but I don't really feel like I have time for it even if it is. I just feel like I've sat through this before.
On the plus side, though, Elastic Love is awesome.
Friday, 11 June 2010
Wednesday, 9 June 2010
Lady DroolDrool
A lot has happened since I last blogged. The main thing is that I am now irrevocably, unstoppably in LOVE with this woman:
I just ... she has got me like nobody. SORRY. But I literally can't listen to any other artist right now. My last.fm is abysmal. It is literally just her. AUGH. Love her. I actually had a dream last night where I was hanging out with the Scooby Gang (not the actual Scooby Gang- the Buffy Scoobies) and we were all preparing for the end of the world but nobody seemed very dedicated, and Buffy was heavily pregnant (and I kissed her), and then Buffy, Willow and I were watching the telly and it was showing Lady GaGa's new video (which I suppose was Alejandro) and suddenly GaGa leaned out of the screen (but not in a scary The Ring kind of way) and kissed me (KISSED. ME) and then she turned into Willow and I turned into Buffy and we were still kissing. It was like the ultimate fanfic experience of anyone ever, i.e. the best experience of my life.
In Other News (assuming there is any), I am trying to establish a daily working habit, which is WEIRD, but going okay. I have the biggest reading list ever for the summer, which kind of worries me with its general size, so I'm trying to read for about three hours a day. It's going pretty much to plan so far; I've not read much in the last two days, but yesterday I was doing Other Taxing Stuff and today I was travelling back to Bristol and celebrating the impending publication of my mother's first poetry collection (!!!!!!!!!!!!! how awesome slash if she wins our wikipedia race I'm going to be well fucked off) so I think it's okay to miss a bit. I'll get back on it tomorrow.
Another key part of my life recently, post-examhorror, has been Fable II. SO GOOD. I mean, I've finished the main quest now and am a bit weary of trying to raise a million gold in order to buy Fairfax Castle and destroy every single gargoyle, but for several days it was fricking RAD and I am very much looking forward to Fable III. Hooray I am making my first real foray into gaming!
I feel like I ought to add lots more to this, but there's nothing that comes to mind, really. I have already mentioned Lady GaGa; I am listening to Lady GaGa right now; earlier I was learning some Lady GaGa songs on the guitar; I recently posted an AWESOME Lady GaGa video to my Facebook feed. I think that's everything covered, really.
I just ... she has got me like nobody. SORRY. But I literally can't listen to any other artist right now. My last.fm is abysmal. It is literally just her. AUGH. Love her. I actually had a dream last night where I was hanging out with the Scooby Gang (not the actual Scooby Gang- the Buffy Scoobies) and we were all preparing for the end of the world but nobody seemed very dedicated, and Buffy was heavily pregnant (and I kissed her), and then Buffy, Willow and I were watching the telly and it was showing Lady GaGa's new video (which I suppose was Alejandro) and suddenly GaGa leaned out of the screen (but not in a scary The Ring kind of way) and kissed me (KISSED. ME) and then she turned into Willow and I turned into Buffy and we were still kissing. It was like the ultimate fanfic experience of anyone ever, i.e. the best experience of my life.
In Other News (assuming there is any), I am trying to establish a daily working habit, which is WEIRD, but going okay. I have the biggest reading list ever for the summer, which kind of worries me with its general size, so I'm trying to read for about three hours a day. It's going pretty much to plan so far; I've not read much in the last two days, but yesterday I was doing Other Taxing Stuff and today I was travelling back to Bristol and celebrating the impending publication of my mother's first poetry collection (!!!!!!!!!!!!! how awesome slash if she wins our wikipedia race I'm going to be well fucked off) so I think it's okay to miss a bit. I'll get back on it tomorrow.
Another key part of my life recently, post-examhorror, has been Fable II. SO GOOD. I mean, I've finished the main quest now and am a bit weary of trying to raise a million gold in order to buy Fairfax Castle and destroy every single gargoyle, but for several days it was fricking RAD and I am very much looking forward to Fable III. Hooray I am making my first real foray into gaming!
I feel like I ought to add lots more to this, but there's nothing that comes to mind, really. I have already mentioned Lady GaGa; I am listening to Lady GaGa right now; earlier I was learning some Lady GaGa songs on the guitar; I recently posted an AWESOME Lady GaGa video to my Facebook feed. I think that's everything covered, really.
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