BLOODY HELL. I haven't done one of these in ages. I think the times when I want to do them most are when I have the most work on? Like, I currently have to write a 10,000 word dissertation on queer femme identities in literature of the twentieth century and a 4,000 word essay on the fragile/nonexistent? boundaries between human, animal and machine and the ways in which they are massively problematised by sexuality in literature (and a couple of films). I am very excited about both of these but I'm at the stage now where I really need to start writing them properly and I just ... don't want to. I just want my degree to be the fuck over now. I've spent four years either working on it or bumming myself out because I haven't been working on it; I can't fucking wait 'til it's done and I don't have that big pressure hanging over me and I can get a job (god willing) that I don't have to think about outside of working hours and I can read what I actually want to read without feeling guilty and I can have money for lots more tattoos and a keyboard the same length as a piano and lessons in the same and little holidays with Corin and hours to spend with my wonderful, wonderful friends where I'm not frequently thinking I SHOULD BE WORKING. I am so glad I decided to postpone starting my MA (read: realised I did not have the financial means to pay for one just yet). I just need a break. And the prospect of one is such a relief. I want to make my life better: I want to exercise because I like endorphins and I want to eat better because I feel better about myself when I'm slimmer than I am at the moment and I want to go on slutwalks and work on my voice and buy some really awesome underwear. Of course, I can start doing some of these things now, and I have; I just want the lift that will come when I know I've done all the academic work I need to for now. After my last exam on the 20th of May I am going to give myself at least three days in which I will only have fun before relocating my stress to finding a job. I think that will be nice. 

douche

This week (slash by Friday at 4pm) I have to write an essay about the problem of 'female beauty' in Alexander Pope's 'The Rape of the Lock' and another essay about the relationship between adulthood and childhood in Songs of Innocence and Experience (I think - I have yet to plan this essay so it is, helpfully, subject to change). So far today I have set my alarm for eleven, woken up at one, faffed around since one, and continued to faff by writing this post. I need to be in uni by quarter to seven at the latest this evening to be in charge of a FemSoc film night. Afterwards I will probably eschew continued social contact on the grounds of work then come home and faff around then go to bed late. Tomorrow I have two lectures and a seminar for which I need to do a buttload of reading. The day after I have CBT, which is early, but draining; the following day the English department is on strike, which is nice, but makes Friday hell because I have to do the lectures/seminars I missed as well as the ones I am scheduled for. One of the ones I am scheduled for requires that I read Letters written in Sweden, Norway and Denmark beforehand. Once again, I hate myself for leaving everything too late and sacrificing my creative freedom for what only amounts to a grotesque lack of discipline. Obviously I am doing nothing to help the matter by whining on here. Argghhh. ARG.